Yo, what are you trying to prove?

Spending a week at a conference is a fantastic opportunity for the socially anxious introvert in me to see what she is capable of.

Conferences are generally an exhausting, heady experience for me. By that, I mean I spend a ton of time in my head, mulling over ideas, and deciding who I want to connect with further. All that thinking and decision making makes it hard to actually notice how I’m feeling.

I end up feeling totally disconnected from my body.

A big part of the conference experience is getting to connect with colleagues and meet new people. Cue social anxiety.

Now, I’ll say, I’m quite proud of the growth I’ve made in this front. I used to verge on panic attacks when I had to answer questions in a lecture room, avoid talking to folks in the hallway, and assumed people had no interest in or would be judging me.

I was probably right.

Also, their opinions of me are not for me to worry about. Their lack of interest in me is not personal. It is simply that we only have so much capacity to have other people on our radar.

While I was doing a bit of stretching to ease the stiff road trip hips, I thought, “it’s not my job to prove my worth, value, or “coolness” to anyone.”

What a revelation!

I used to spend so much energy trying to blend in because I felt like too much, or clinging to folks who I didn’t feel welcomed by because just maybe I could show them I was worth their time and attention!

When I think back to that version of me, I want to give her such a big hug. She grew up with conditional love, only earning affection when she showed up “just right.” She was never as skilled as her older sister, and never as cute as her younger sister (yes, middle-child syndrome was strong with this one). Her fight for affection stayed with her, until it almost broke her. I’ll save that story for another day.

What I have learned over the last 5-or-so years is that it is my job to show up authentically and see who that brings in.

When you stop trying to fit a mold or follow along, it’s terrifying. We’re social creatures, meant to belong in groups. When you choose you, you risk rejection from the group. And that, by nature, is scary! '

When you were a monkey in the jungle, being rejected by the group put you at risk for starvation and removed protection from predators. You still have that same, instinctual fear response to going against the crowd. It takes practice and skill to navigate, and learn how to choose you more often.

Even though it is scary, I’m no longer interested in going along with the crowd to fit in with the cool kids.

Instead, I’m interested in choosing what I want, need, and value.

I’m giving myself full, unapologetic permission to choose me, even if I risk not being welcomed in by the “cool” kids. (lol, why do they get that label, anyways? What in my brain decided they are “better”? Again, another story for another day). 

Here are a few recommendations to try, that I have lived experience with and/or are evidence-based.

1. Get clear on what matters to you. How often have you sat down to reflect on your personal values? To think about what a good life means to you? Now is the time. Consider moments where you felt connected, in flow, where things were working out. What do all those moments have in common? How can you create more of them? Let that be your guide.

2. As I previously mentioned, people do not care about what you do. The people who matter the most will support you choosing you. With that, when you’re making the courageous choice to go your own way, make a mental note of who’s authentically, judgement-free in your corner. Make note of who’s there to offer unwavering support.

3. Remind yourself that we are all scared of not belonging, then have the courage to do it anyways. Start small (like choosing the weird shirt just because you like it), and slowly do more and more of what is best for you. Let it be scary. And overtime, you will teach your body that it’s safe to do you. 

How can you be courageous to show up authentically?

Peace,

Karissa